


Love is a Bitch

by normaltrout



Category: Hey Arnold!
Genre: Drama, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Lemon, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:40:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28060083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/normaltrout/pseuds/normaltrout
Summary: Arnold couldn't have been more excited to begin his first year of college. That is, until he started running into the one girl he couldn't stand seemingly everywhere he went. To make matters worse, she hates him even more than he does her. *Explicit themes, sexual content and adult language.
Relationships: Helga Pataki/Arnold Shortman, Lila Sawyer & Arnold Shortman, Phoebe Heyerdahl/Gerald Johanssen
Comments: 4
Kudos: 18





	Love is a Bitch

**All cast and characters of Hey Arnold! belong to Craig Bartlett.**

**Chapter 1: Cold Coffee**

Some people say that everything happens for a reason, right? Arnold Shortman was finding himself questioning the validity of such a statement. Things seemed to have started off on a positive note, but he had no idea that the next day would be one of contention and complication. For now however, a smile painted his face as he packed away the last of his necessary belongings from his bedroom in the Sunset Arms boarding house. He had been working two jobs over the summer at Vitello's Flowers and Bigal's Cafe and had saved up enough money and then some to put a deposit and first month's rent into the apartment he and Gerald had decided to move into.

Both boys were excited to begin their new adventure, _college._ Sure, he could have tried getting into the dorms of Hillwood's four-year school Evergreen University, but that wouldn't have been nearly as fun. Or cheap. Their two bedroom apartment certainly wasn't luxurious, in fact it was pretty shitty, truth be told. Some questionable stains marked areas of the frayed carpeting, the walls were that fake wood paneling that a lot of budget housing seemed to have, not to mention the popcorn ceiling, but still it was a fairly good-sized place. Gerald insisted on finding a basement apartment, saying that they would be less likely to disrupt their neighbors if they decided to have some of the guys over or wanted to jam out to some loud music. Arnold figured this was Gerald planning for future house parties and being able to play his electric bass, but he didn't mind.

Arnold was surprised that his friend pitched the idea of getting an apartment together to him, he was fairly certain that Gerald would have wanted to move into a place with Phoebe. They'd been dating for something like six years by now. Gerald always just said that she had other living arrangements, but still seemed satisfied in knowing that they would be attending the same university, at least until Phoebe got into some prestigious grad school. Something told Arnold that the two of them not taking the next step by shacking up was more Phoebe's idea than Gerald's, he guessed it was so the vigilantly studious girl could focus on her schooling. Gerald had always had an immense respect for Phoebe's ambitions, as she did for him. Being with her had really propelled him into hyper-focusing on homework and classes, and the two of them were viewed as something of a power couple throughout high school.

Arnold was just looking forward to the experience, he wasn't sure exactly what he wanted to do, he just opted to get his generals out of the way for now. Him moving in with his best friend was just the icing on the cake, he couldn't be more excited to be out of Hillwood High School and out of the Sunset Arms boarding house. He loved his family, those related to him by blood and those that weren't, but the older he got the less charming hearing the Kokoschka's daily shouting matches and sharing one bathroom with ten other people got. Not only that but his parents were on a perpetual health kick ever since returning to their hometown of Hillwood. Arnold liked freshly baked bread and avocado toast as much as the next guy, but he missed having hot, greasy pizza for dinner every now and again. Stella, his mother, was sweet and doting but she was also something of a worry wart, and was always making Arnold try weird tinctures and other at-home health concoctions.

Truly the only thing he felt saddened about leaving would be his grandparents Phil and Gertie. They were quite old now, and both had been experiencing some health problems in recent years. He knew they wouldn't be around forever, which was part of his reasoning for choosing a local university instead of attending a school out of state. Arnold felt bad enough that he wouldn't be under the same roof as them, he couldn't imagine leaving Hillwood altogether and possibly getting a fateful call about one of them. Of course he would miss living with his parents, but he had something of a soft spot for his grandparents.

A soft rapping came from the other side of Arnold's bedroom door as he finished taping up the last moving box, "Come in!"

Stella's head peeked in, offering him a warm smile, "Are you almost finished packing sweetie? Your father has an appointment with his reflexologist so we need to get going soon."

Arnold ripped the length of tape sealing the top of the box shut from the roll, "Yep! This is the last of it in this box here. I'll start heading downstairs now."

"Alright, you and I can take the Packard. Your dad already fit the other boxes in the backseat of his car and will follow us there. Are you sure you don't want to take some more of your stuff?"

"I'm sure, we'll just be across town so I can always come back and get some more stuff if I need it. A lot of this could probably be donated, honestly," he replied, looking around at some of his old knick-knacks and possessions from his childhood.

Stella opened his door the rest of the way, strode across his bedroom and crouched down next to him, "We're really going to miss having you here. It's going to be awfully quiet without you around."

Almost on cue, they could hear a plate smash against the wall of one of the boarding rooms down the hall followed by some muffled shouting. Stella and Arnold looked at each other and chuckled.

His mother smiled, "Well maybe _quiet_ wasn't the word I was looking for."

The blonde young man and his mother stood together and made their way to the threshold. Arnold took one last look around his sanctuary of the last eighteen years before sighing fondly and closing the door gently behind him.

* * *

Arnold and Gerald finished unloading the last of the boxes from his father's car and Arnold wrapped both of his parents in a hug as they said their farewells.

Stella's goodbye was a long-winded one, "Honey, remember you can always call us if you need anything. Make sure you touch base with us at least a couple times a week, and try not to just live off of junk food-"

"Stel, he's gonna be fine. He's moving twenty minutes away, it's not like he's taking a bus to Vegas," Miles said, interrupting her motherly rambling.

"Ah yes, well your father is right I suppose. Just make sure to take care of yourself and focus on school. You too, Gerald," she said looking to Arnold's friend.

"Don't you worry Mrs. S, I'll keep an eye on him for ya," Gerald said with a wink to his friend.

"Alright kiddo, we'll let you boys unpack. Love you," Miles said.

"Love you guys too, and don't worry mom I'll make sure to drop by," the two boys waved goodbye to Arnold's parents as they retreated back to the car and drove away.

"Well we guess better get back to unpacking all this shit. I wanna at least get my bed set up and then get some food, I'm getting hungry," Arnold said.

"Yeah you do that man. Listen, I've gotta meet up with Phoebe, we're doing dinner and a movie tonight," his friend replied distractedly as he tapped out a message on his phone.

"Ugh seriously? I thought we were hanging out tonight!"

Gerald suddenly looked up from his phone, "I'm sorry dude, I can cancel if you want me to."

Arnold felt a pang of guilt and shook his head, "Nah it's all good, I'll probably just be in my room unpacking most of the evening anyway."

"You sure?"

The blonde smiled, "Of course. Tell Phoebe I say 'hi.'"

Gerald gave a nod and the two boys said goodbye before Gerald pulled out of the parking lot and sped away in his Subaru. Arnold went down the cement stairs that led to the front door of his new abode and stepped inside. The place really was dreary and terribly outdated, and standing there in the silence of the apartment made him feel quite lonesome. He opened the door to his new bedroom and decided he might as well get started getting his bed frame set up and belongings put away. Once everything was in proper order and his mattress was placed and covered with a sheet, Arnold threw himself face down into his bed. He was already over unpacking and hadn't even started anywhere else in the house yet. He fished his phone out of his pocket and scrolled on social media for a bit before making a face and groaning into his pillow.

 _Fucking Lila,_ he thought to himself. It only took about five minutes of scrolling to see a picture of her that she posted on her social media of her and her new boyfriend. Her and Arnold had dated for a good portion of their senior year, and Arnold had thought that things couldn't be going better between the two of them. Unfortunately, once graduation started approaching Lila made it very clear that they were just "destined for different things" and was "ever so sorry" before breaking things off, but assuring they would still remain "such lovely friends". She had decided to head out to the Midwest to return to her family farm and said she wanted to be a midwife and maybe even a Sunday school teacher. She wanted a life that was more simple, more wholesome. Arnold just didn't quite fit that mold for her. And it wasn't that he was in love with her or anything, but he definitely was into her, how could anyone not be? She was gorgeous with her silky auburn hair and hazel doe-like eyes. She was also a tremendously wonderful person, so kind and generous. Arnold did think she was a bit dull at times, she was almost akin to a Stepford wife in a teenage girl's body. She didn't like scary movies, sports, video games, or loud music. She was afraid of water, had several food aversions and was nervous around crowds of people. The only things that Arnold could ever really think of doing was going out for ice cream, hiking Elk Mountain or fooling around in his bedroom. At least she didn't seem to hate that stuff.

Arnold couldn't help wondering how often he could expect to find himself in this situation. Him moping in his room while Gerald and Phoebe were going out on dates. He didn't want to get dejected about it, he couldn't expect Gerald to be home all the time to hang out with him. This was the reality of living with a friend with a girlfriend. He knew Phoebe would probably be coming over a lot and staying the night now that they were out of their parents' houses. Not that he minded that too much, he always liked Phoebe. But with Phoebe came one other person that he could go the rest of his life hearing or thinking about: Helga G. Pataki. At least in high school they had things like curfews and classes so he honestly never really saw Phoebe much, which was a big plus. Not that Helga ever came around if he was set to be there, anyway.

Helga was one person that he struggled even tolerating. He didn't like to admit that he was totally that guy that only started hating her after they decided to end their relationship, but it was the honest truth. She couldn't have been more opposite to Lila Sawyer in just about every way possible. He couldn't even befriend her on social media because essentially everything she did left a poor taste in his mouth. She was relentlessly rude and crass to pretty much everyone and had a habit of treating those around her like insects that she could just stomp all over and order around.

What's worse is that Arnold really loved Helga, at least he thought he did at one point, and it made her vapid self much more insufferable to be around now. How could he have been so enamored with someone like _that?_ Lila was great - she was beautiful and smart, but it bothered him to know that his feelings just didn't run that deep with her. Of course he liked her, she was pretty much his dream girl, on paper anyway. It was just different with Helga, their relationship was a passionate one, though admittedly very tumultuous. Still, he was a ball of mush in her hands when they were together. That's not to say he felt like that anymore, she was probably the only person who had ever stirred up any true feelings of malice in him. In fact, he really fucking hated her.

Arnold and Helga's relationship started out just like any other, it was really great at first. One thing he admired when they dated was her zest for life and willingness to experience the world. She was strong and independent, and wasn't afraid of anything, except for maybe a stray rat or two on the subway. She wasn't the girlfriend who would come to your baseball games just to watch, in fact she was often the girl catching the pitches he hurled. She had always been a bit of an ugly duckling until about the age of fourteen or fifteen, after which she certainly blossomed into something of a swan. Arnold was never with her because of her physical appearance though, and in the three years that they dated she never wore makeup or was considered conventionally attractive. He had been with her because she was lively and fun and faced the world with a fervor he had never witnessed in anyone before.

Arnold always told others, along with himself, that Helga was actually quite a good person beneath her tough exterior, and while he did believe that - her less than savory personality traits started to outweigh the more redeeming ones. Hearing things like, "criminy I fucking said I didn't mean it like that" and "what do you want, I said I was sorry," started getting terribly exhausting. While she blossomed in some ways after a vacation-turned-adventure in the jungles of San Lorenzo had brought them together, many of her ugly traits just got uglier.

Helga's jealousy had grown exponentially and had become overbearing; unfortunately her low self-esteem reared its ugly head in the form of verbal venom she would spit at all of her peers. This behavior often left Arnold apologizing on her behalf, which just pissed her off or upset her. It was clear neither one was happy in the relationship after a while, they had depended too much upon each other at a time in their lives when they just weren't emotionally prepared. He tried not to dwell on those times too much, what did they as kids know about love, anyway? What had started off between them as playful banter escalated to bickering, which escalated to heated disagreements, which escalated to a war of screaming and vile words.

Despite all the negativity that shrouded the latter part of their relationship, Arnold really was pretty upset when they decided to call it quits. And the fact that she showed up the first day of high school looking like a bombshell only rubbed salt in the wound. She had really grown into her body, her toned arms and legs no longer appeared gangly and were instead quite lithe and lovely. There were also areas that had _grown_ , too. Her breasts had become quite ample, and her hips more defined. Her eyebrow had split into two, and her face had generally taken on more of a womanly look to it. It was clear she was putting in more of an effort to be feminine, as she would wear a little bit of makeup and dress up in flattering, sometimes revealing clothing. But she still retained a style that was very much suited to that of Helga G. Pataki. Not that her appearance ever mattered to Arnold, it didn't. He never considered her _unattractive_ per se, but seeing her transform into a strikingly beautiful young woman seemingly overnight was something that annoyed him to no end.

However, it wasn't that Arnold grew a sort of contempt towards her based on her looks or even because they broke up. He made every effort to try and be amicable since both of their best friends were dating, but she made it clear she wasn't interested in being friends or even civil. When they were kids she would torment him relentlessly, but he knew there was affection mixed into her bullying. After they broke up, she was quite frankly just a bitch. She was cold towards him in a way had never experienced before, even with people she hated. She treated him like he was the most insignificant and uninteresting creature to ever cross her. That made him feel a bit dejected at first but quickly turned into something more like anger. There are only so many times someone can tell you to "fuck off" before you start wanting to scream it back. So he thought the hell with being friends, not only could he not stand dating her but it grew to where he couldn't even stand being around her.

Sitting in his room now, he remembered Gerald had mentioned something about Helga being accepted to some college on the east coast of the States, so Arnold was fairly confident he wouldn't have to worry about running into her again. And even though he was feeling a bit left out now, school was starting soon and he would be so wrapped up in homework and studying that he probably wouldn't have a lot of spare time to skateboard around town or play video games. Still, he sort of liked to pretend she just didn't exist, and Phoebe being around made that hard. She always had an annoying habit of bringing Helga up at least a thousand times and it drove Arnold completely mad. He was aware that Phoebe meant well, and he didn't fault her or blame her for simply talking about her friend. Though she usually caught herself and apologized when she brought her blonde friend's name up. The gesture was always sweet but also made things insanely and unnecessarily awkward.

Arnold decided to unpack some of the shared items throughout the rest of the household. He got some fresh towels set up in the bathroom and all of his toiletries organized. He migrated to the kitchen where he put away pots, pans and dishes before his growling stomach stopped him. Arnold decided that pizza would be the perfect way to christen his first night in his first apartment and ordered a large pepperoni pizza that arrived quite quickly to his new home. He was happy to see that Gerald had already set up the television and his video game system so Arnold could stream some TV shows that way. He found a comedy show and planted himself down on the couch and started tearing into his pizza. He was already halfway through his third slice when his phone buzzed in his pants pocket. There was a message from Gerald.

"Yo i'll probably be back late. I forgot to grab my house key tho do you mind leaving the door unlocked?"

Arnold tapped out his reply: "Sure i can do that, have a good night man"

The blonde sighed and picked up the remote off of the coffee table in front of him to turn the television off, it was around nine o'clock and he was exhausted after hauling boxes around all day. Gorging himself on greasy pizza didn't do him any favors either, he ripped his shirt off his body and threw it on the floor before deciding to turn in early for the night. There was still some cleaning they had to do the next day anyway, his only goal right now was falling into his bed and getting some sleep. His eyelids grew increasingly heavy and it didn't take long before slumber overtook him, wrapping him in its peaceful dark cloak.

* * *

Arnold awoke and stretched his arms up over his head, he had slept like a rock through the night, and nothing sounded better than a fresh cup of coffee. He slipped some flannel pants on over his boxers and opened the door to trudge towards the kitchen. He was careful to walk quietly, he figured that Phoebe probably came and spent the night with Gerald in his room. He would have hated to accidentally awake them, especially since he knew that they likely came home pretty late.

Once in the kitchen, he scooped several large scoops of ground coffee and added them to the coffee maker. He figured he might as well make a full pot, and the notion put a fond smile on his face. He always made sure to keep a full pot of coffee going at the boarding house before he had left for school for his eccentric family. He opened the door to the refrigerator and took out a slice of cold pizza for breakfast. It had been a long time since he had gotten to indulge in such an unhealthy meal so early. He pulled a mug from the cupboard and poured some of the piping hot coffee inside, he blew on it as he stood there in a kitchen. As he stood there enjoying the silence, he suddenly froze. He swore he heard a noise that sounded something like a grunt coming from the direction of the living room.

Arnold stood silently, willing himself to hear the foreign noises, he heard what sounded like _breathing._ His heart started thumping inside of his chest, did Gerald forget to lock the door after returning to the apartment last night? Was he going to get robbed? What would his mother possibly think if he got robbed on the first night of being on his own? Did he even have anything to give the robber, what could he possibly give to this very real and likely terrifying robber?

He had to calm down, he needed to confront whatever person was here, regardless of if they were there to torment him or not. Arnold gently set his coffee cup onto the counter, trying to be as quiet as he possibly could. He carefully opened one of the cabinets, and armed himself with a heavy cast iron frying pan. Sure, he might be a black belt in karate, but having something heavy and potentially lethal made him feel a bit more at ease. Arnold crept across the kitchen into the living room, he froze when a strange gurgling sort of noise came from the other side of the couch. Oh god, were they hiding behind the couch?! He gulped and willed his feet to continue moving him across the living room towards the back of the sofa, as he grew closer he raised the frying pan up over his head. He took a deep breath and readied himself for whatever was there.

Once Arnold was close enough to the couch to peer down and see who the threat was, he saw what appeared to be long platinum blonde hair. He stared for a moment, was this person...sleeping? He started lowering the pan to a less threatening position when suddenly the eyes of the sleeping person shot open.

"AHHHHH!" they both screamed in tandem and Arnold dropped the frying pan onto his foot, making him fall to the floor as he writhed in pain.

"Who the fuck-" he hissed as he cradled his quickly bruising foot.

"Oh hell no, that's what I should be asking y- _Arnold?!"_ a familiar female voice said and he saw two bright blue eyes peeking at him from over the top of the sofa.

Suddenly Phoebe, clad in an oversized shirt of her boyfriend's and shorts, and Gerald appeared from the hallway.

"What in the hell is going on in here?" Gerald asked groggily.

"Gerald, _Phoebe?_ What are you guys doing here? Where the fuck am I?" Helga barked.

Arnold made a very conscious effort to stay right where he was on the floor. The sooner she forgot that he was there the better.

"Helga, don't you recall?" Phoebe asked. "You called me quite late last night from one of the bars downtown. You sounded quite inebriated so Gerald and I came to pick you up. We were going to take you back to our place but you had fallen asleep in the back of the car, we thought it would just be easier to bring you here."

"That explains the splitting headache, criminy I drank a lot," Helga muttered. "Why is freaking Shortman here, and what was up with that frying pan? Planning to fucking kill me or something?"

"For your information Helga, I happen to live here," Arnold replied. His throbbing foot and her grating voice this early in the morning annoyed him. "And I wasn't planning anything! I didn't know you were even here. I thought someone had broken in or something. Thanks for the head's up by the way," Arnold shot Gerald a very harsh glare.

"Oh no, don't go gettin' all pissed at me. I sent you a text last night and told you we were bringing her here," Gerald replied, he started swiping his phone and showed the text that he had sent Arnold late last night. Arnold had already fallen asleep by the time that message was composed, and he didn't even think of reading his texts when he got up this morning.

Helga scoffed, "You thought someone _broke into_ this dump? To what, sleep? Christ you're an idiot."

Arnold could feel his face reddening and stood to look at her, "Listen, no one is making you stay in this _dump_ Helga. You should be thanking me."

"Thank you for what? Trying to knock me out with a frying pan and scaring the ever-loving fuck outta me?"

"No, for letting you stay here!" he argued.

Helga rolled her eyes, "Uh, in case you forgot _Gerald_ let me stay here. You didn't do anything except take ten years off of my life."

"If you have such an issue being here why don't you just leave, then?"

"Fine by me Football Head, I know when I've overstayed my welcome," Helga replied and peeled the blanket off of her. "What the fuck is this get-up?" she asked, motioning to the shirt covering her torso.

Helga was clad in an oversized men's t-shirt and her underwear and nothing else. Arnold quickly averted his eyes from the sight of her. Seeing her like that honestly did little for him, he was a bit proud in a way. He wasn't losing his mind just from seeing her, even in his sex-deprived state of mind. He couldn't help but notice her hair was several shades lighter than what he was used to seeing, and he thought he might have caught a glimpse of a tattoo on her thigh but he wasn't really too keen on observing it.

"W-well Helga it had seemed that you spilled a beverage down the front of you during your outing, so I changed you while you were unconscious to put your clothes in the wash," said Phoebe sheepishly.

Suddenly it dawned on Arnold, Helga was in the shirt he had been wearing the day before, "Hey wait a minute, that's _my_ shirt! Gerald, you couldn't dress her in something of yours?"

"Ugh _god_ , what kind of cruel and unusual punishment is this? It's bad enough you brought me here in the first place, but you dressed me up in Football Head's clothes?!" Helga asked dramatically.

"Look it was dark, gimme a break here! I just grabbed the first shirt I could find, you must have dropped it when you were moving your boxes, it was an accident," Gerald explained.

"Christ you gave me some crusty shirt from the floor? You should have just left me in my clothes, at least alcohol kills germs," Helga mumbled angrily.

"I'll go and retrieve your clothes for you, Helga," Phoebe said nervously and walked towards the laundry room. Gerald quickly followed behind, not wanting to endure another awkward moment between the two blondes.

Arnold and Helga sat angrily in silence, she pulled the blanket around her up over her torso before she whipped her phone out and started scrolling her social media feed and photo albums, she had a lot to drink the night before. Maybe she would find something that would jog her memory a little bit better so she could piece together the night before. She had only blacked out one or two other times ever, and she didn't exactly make the best decisions in that state of mind. There was a photo of a selfie of her and another very drunk looking young man, Chase or something like that. She then remembered conning the guy into buying her some double vodka sodas with her good looks. That tended to be her M.O. when going to the bar: find idiot, acquire drinks. She had a fake I.D. so she had to be careful, after all. The more she whipped it out the more likely she was to get caught. She saw she had a text message and made a face while reading it before groaning.

"C'mon Helga, Phoebe said she was getting your clothes for you. You don't need to keep sitting there huffing and being dramatic because I'm here-"

"Oh don't flatter yourself, Hair Boy. As if I give a shit about your presence," Helga retorted. "Just some schmuck trying to text me for a dick appointment."

Arnold felt his face grow hot and change to a deep shade of scarlet. _Does she really need to talk like that?_ he asked himself. Phoebe reappeared with a folded pile of clothes and he silently thanked the small girl for walking in at that moment.

"Freshly laundered clothes! And trust me they needed it, you smelled quite like a barroom floor," Phoebe said with a chuckle.

Helga smiled, "Thanks Pheebs I really owe you one. I'll go get changed, where's the bathroom?"

"Oh it's this way, I'll accompany you. I want to hear about your rendezvous last night!"

The two girls giggled amongst each other as they walked together down the hallway. Arnold made sure to stare at a spot on the carpet before he heard the sound of the bathroom door closing. He quickly moved from the living room to find Gerald, and winced when he put pressure on his foot. A large, dark bruise was already forming from where the frying pan made it's contact. Once he made his way to Gerald's room, he rapped on the half open door and let himself in.

"Oh, hey Arnold. Look bro I'm really sorry, I thought you had seen the text! Pataki was a hot mess last night, Phoebe thought it would be best to bring her here so we could keep an eye on her," Gerald explained.

Arnold sighed, "It's okay Gerald, honestly. I was just...surprised, is all. I don't get why she has to be like that though, you know?"

"Oh yeah, she hates your guts man. It's pretty crazy to think you guys dated once, y'all could not be more different."

"Trust me, I get where you're coming from," Arnold sat and thought for a moment, "Was she really that bad off last night?"

Gerald smirked, "To say the least. Phoebe and I were just getting out of the movie, we decided to go for a little drive before we went home, get the mood going ya know? Well she gets a call from Pataki, girl is _wasted._ Said something about trying to ditch some loser guy she was with or somethin', honestly it was kinda hard to tell what she was saying cause she was so hammered though. Thankfully Phoebe is friends with her on ThatsApp and was able to figure out where she was. Probably a good thing too, she's only eighteen ya know? Gotta be careful when you're sneaking into bars."

"She got a fake or something?" Arnold asked with an eyebrow raised suspiciously.

"Yeah Phoebe said she just got it. I think she snagged one from Mickey."

"She's not gonna be like, coming here all the time right?" Arnold inquired.

Gerald chuckled, "Nah, I wouldn't do you like that! Look, it was just a one-off type of scenario I swear. If I find myself in that situation again I'll take her straight to her and Phoebe's apartment, I promise."

Arnold's heart sank, "Oh uh, her and Phoebe's apartment? She's living in Hillwood then? What happened to that college on the coast or whatever?"

Gerald clapped a hand to the back of his neck sheepishly, sensing his friend's discomfort, "Oh uh, right. About that. She was all set to go to some school in Boston but ended up turning it down when she got accepted here. Guess she really wanted to go to the same school as Phoebe. They started applying for apartments as soon as they found out they both had been accepted. Pretty sure Big Bob is footing most of the bill too. Must be nice."

 _Damn it,_ Arnold thought to himself. He was really hopeful that he wouldn't have to see her ever again if he could help it. Now, not only was he stuck in the same city as her, but they were back in the same school together as well? The only thing that would make this worse was if Lila suddenly decided to suddenly move back from the Midwest. The silver lining was that at least Helga had just as little desire to be around him as he did with her. It's not like she was Phoebe's conjoined twin either, sure Arnold living with Gerald meant that he would see a lot more of his friend's girlfriend, but that didn't mean he had to see Helga Pataki too.

Gerald must have seen the annoyed look on his friend's face and spoke up again, "B-but don't worry dude! I already told you, last night was the first and last time I promise. You won't have to worry about seeing her again. I gotta ask though, what was up with the frying pan, you tryin' to take her out in her sleep or something?"

Arnold glared, "Of course not! I already said, I didn't realize anyone was sleeping out there so hearing her fucking breathing scared me! Don't get me wrong, she's the last person I want to be around but I would never-,"

"Chill Arnold, I'm just messing with you. I know you don't have it in you to clobber anyone. Especially not a girl, even if that girl is Helga Pataki," Gerald said before clapping a hand on Arnold's shoulder.

Suddenly the crack in Gerald's door widened and the two saw the face of Helga in the doorway as the door flew open.

"Hey Geraldo, are you still cool to give me and Pheebs a ride home?" Helga asked, giving the two boys a curious look as they jumped and Gerald pulled his hand from Arnold's shoulder. "Christ, what are you two doing, making out in here? Didn't think you had such shit taste, Johanssen."

Arnold whipped his head in her direction and growled, "S-shut up, we were just talking!"

"Yeah, yeah. I could really care less, anyway, about that ride?"

Gerald sighed, "No problem, I take it you and Phoebe are ready?"

Helga nodded and walked towards the living room with Gerald and Arnold following behind. Arnold saw the frying pan laying on the floor behind the couch and felt a blush take his face over. _How embarrassing,_ he thought and fetched it as casually and quietly as possible so as not to draw attention to his earlier blunder. He, unfortunately, was not so lucky.

"Not gonna try to finish me off, are you?" Helga asked with a nasty smirk. "Criminy can your scrawny ass even carry that thing?"

Arnold felt his blood pressure increasing and his face grow to a deep shade of angry crimson. _Does she ever stop running her mouth?_ he asked himself as he walked to pan to the kitchen, trying to ignore Helga taunting him.

"Aw, did I piss you off? You gonna cry into your frying pan about it, Football Head?"

Like a dry twig snapping, Arnold spun around and his eyes shot darts of hatred at the snarky blonde girl standing in his living room.

"You're such a bitch, you know that? Hurry up and leave," he snapped to a wide-eyed Helga. Gerald clasped a hand over his eyes and groaned while Phoebe grabbed the sleeve of Helga's shirt, trying to gently usher her out the door.

Arnold felt his ears ring. He didn't mean to say that to her out loud, he was only supposed to be thinking that! His eyebrows knitted together and he dropped his gaze from Helga to the floor. He felt guilty, it doesn't matter how much he can't stand someone - speaking to another person like that just isn't right. Plus, this was Helga after all. She would probably have beaten him into the ground for saying much less than that. Arnold could feel Helga's eyes lingering on him, but he couldn't bring himself to look at her. _Crap, she's gonna kill me isn't she?_ he thought but couldn't really blame her if she did. What a shitty way to speak to a young woman.

To Arnold's surprise, he heard tittering and giggling come from across the room. His body was frozen, but his eyes slowly moved from the floor to the face of the slender blonde who was now laughing so hard that she was holding her sides.

"Holy _shit_ , when did you grow a pair of balls?" she asked as she caught her breath. "Alright enough screwing around, you guys ready?"

Phoebe and Gerald looked at each other silently before nodding. As the two girls exited the apartment, Gerald gave Arnold a curious look to which Arnold simply shrugged. Certainly this was one of the stranger and more unpleasant mornings he had experienced in a while, and he sighed deeply in relief when the door to the apartment closed. He took a sip of his coffee on the counter and made a face, it was ice cold and bitter now. _If this isn't a metaphor, I dunno what is,_ he mused as he looked at the contents of the mug in his hands. So much for enjoying that first cup of coffee in the morning. At least he could breathe easy now that she was gone and after talking to Gerald earlier. If one thing was for sure, he didn't have to worry about seeing Helga Pataki in the future.


End file.
